Live. Dance. Love. Sing. Cry.

"I wish I knew how to love someone without killing myself. How to mend hearts without breaking my own. How to kiss and not create bruises."

- Michelle K

Apr 10
Apr 10

Don’t turn away
Dry your eyes, dry your eyes
Don’t be afraid
Keep it all inside, all inside
When you fall apart
Dry your eyes, dry your eyes
Life is always hard for the belle of the boulevard

- Dashboard Confessional “Belle of the Boulevard”

I thought I would have to play games with you to keep my distance. I thought it would save me a whole lot of heartache. Funny how in the end it is still me who lost. The hopeless romantic in me always swore to refuse letting life harden my heart, to love despite all the pain it brings, to give before getting. With pride I’d say ‘No matter how often I run up against a wall, fall in love with the wrong guy and am left alone putting the pieces together - I refuse to love moderately, responsibly and prudently. Because everybody deserves to be loved passionately and without bounds, even if they cannot love you back.’ Then I was forced to grow up and be responsible, especially with my heart. Somewhere along the lines I lost a part of myself that had always been so important to me and now I am starting to wonder who I am anymore. Do I compromise with life, arrange myself with the sorrows life has to bring, learn to grow up and become cold, hesitant to love, selfish? Or do I continue down the path that has given me so much anguish, hardship and yet - incomparable delight? Am I willing to be reckless despite that familiar dark pit that is waiting for me at the end of my strengths? I wish I could say ‘yes’ without hesitation, but I guess sooner or later we all grow up and begin avoiding situations that get us hurt. We are no longer the children who won’t believe the stove is hot and are surprised when we burn ourselves. We are no longer the moths diving straight into the flame for a moment of light. And yet. I am not done. I lost a part of myself I was never willing to give up and here I am, on a quest to retrieve what I had forfeited in hopes of avoiding pain. I will no longer play games with you if winning means surrendering myself. 

Apr 10

"Sometimes, carrying on, just carrying on, is the superhuman achievement."

- Albert Camus

Apr 6
Feb 13

You are gone. Just like that. And I have no idea where you have gone to. Who is there with you, to keep you company, to console you that your time was cut so grievingly short, to show you how much you were loved. I think back to all the times I did not talk to you, the times I could have been there for you. I was young and shallow and too preoccupied with myself and my own problems. You were there every day, you were the silently burning light that so few saw and cherished. Your light has gone out and no amount of wishing and hoping will rekindle the flame. Know that I will always carry you in my heart, you selfless beautiful soul. I will not forget what the world has lost, even if she does not even realise it herself.

Feb 13

"I have a box full of people, Who I wish not to fade, Though I have been told of them dead, I have the box I made, To collect them who are missing, And assemble in here, So they can keep living, And I can be near."

- Anonymous

Feb 11

"It took many years of vomiting up all the filth I’d been taught about myself, and half-believed, before I was able to walk on this earth as though I had a right to be here."

- James Baldwin

Jan 13

"It’s in the reach of my arms The span of my hips, The stride of my step, The curl of my lips. I’m a woman Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, That’s me."

- Maya Angelou

Jan 7

How dare you tell me I am the one responsible, the one at fault. You, who were supposed to be a friend? Yes, I flaunt my femininity, yes, I revel in my sexuality and yes, I took pride in your admiration, but have you any idea how excruciatingly difficult it was to get here? How much hardship, self-loathing and tears it took for me to accept my past and find a way back to myself? How much work I still have ahead of me? And how dare you throw accusations at me, judging me as a tease, assuming you could treat me like a worthless piece of flesh? What could possibly give you the conviction that I am guilty for your insecurities and shortcomings? I am not a mindless shell ready for the taking. I am not a hypocrite for enjoying my body, but refusing to share it with you. I am not guilty. I am a woman, a huntress, a lover, a friend - and I will not hide for you, nor anyone. 

Jan 7